Torat HaRav Aviner: I Do Not Insult

I Do Not Insult

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Tzion ב- 21:20

09

מאי

2010

I have problems with my husband. His behavior is inappropriate in many areas, so I point it out. We got married in order not to keep everything inside and obviously to help one another improve. But I point it out in a non-insulting way.
When we were first married, I did say it in an insulting way, and he called me a witch and he was kind of right. I then learned not to point it out in front of other people, even if he said something stupid or acted in an inappropriate matter. I also learned not to say anything when I am angry. I noticed that when I did this, I did not speak about what happened. I was frustrated and just tried to prove I was correct. I now wait until I calm down. And before I say anything, I make it clear to myself that the goal is to build a shared life together.
I also try to give him the benefit of the doubt. Many times I scolded him only to find out that I did not see the whole picture. I now try to see if I can understand the situation in a different way, perhaps I am taking things out of context. Only if I am unable to give him the benefit of the doubt do I say anything – gently.

Torat HaRav Aviner: I Do Not Insult

Torat HaRav Aviner: We have Disagreements

We have Disagreements

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Tzion ב- 09:33

12

אפר

2010

I have many disagreements with my wife. It seems to be unpreventable. People have different appearances, different opinions, different feelings, different desires. This sometimes causes much tension. When this occurs, we sit facing one another, and hold hands, i.e. her left hand in my right hand and her right hand in my left hand. We look at each other in the eyes, and we smile. It is so sweet. This alone makes it worthwhile.
And then we talk, taking turns. We hold hands the entire time, and when we switch turns, we stop for a few moments and smile at each other. We go back and forth until we have solved the problem. To this day, we have always found a solution. We do not wait until it grows into a huge issue, but deal with it immediately. I ask forgiveness from the psychologists and marriage counselors who we have never needed. I am certain that they are happy. I promise that this method works. Just try.

Torat HaRav Aviner: We have Disagreements

Torat HaRav Aviner: Secrets

Secrets

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 22:17

15

מרץ

2010

In my youth, I had a good friend and I told him all of my secrets. I really liked him. But one day, he told all of my secrets to other people and since then I hated him. He then felt sorry and apologized, but it was too late. I now tell all of my secrets to my wife, and she doesn't tell anyone. She doesn't tell her sister who she loves a lot, and she does not tell her parents who she greatly respects. She also tells me secrets. These secrets are very sweet and they bind us together. We know that this is a place that only the two of us meet and no one else is a part of it. I did not say that I tell her everything that happens to me. I have learned what interests her and what is a burden to her. I obviously do not reveal the secrets of the Mossad or the Shabak. I also do not tell her the secrets that my co-workers tell me. I am talking about all sorts of feelings and wants that I would be embarrassed to tell others, not because they are evil things but because they are personal. It is truly pleasant to have a wife of secrets.

Torat HaRav Aviner: Secrets

Torat HaRav Aviner: A Match in Heaven

A Match in Heaven

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 21:18

01

מרץ

2010

Q: I heard that Hashem decides who one will marry. Why then should I worry? I will marry the first woman who agrees to marry me. After all, it is impossible that this would go against Hashem's will.
A: It is correct that Hashem decided before you were born who you will marry, and she is the right woman for you and you are the right woman for her. This is a wonderful Divine gift, but it is possible to lose the gift, just as Adam and Chava lost the Garden of Eden on account of their sin. A person receives an amazing body but he can destroy it with improper behavior. The Book of Mishlei (19:14) says: "But an understanding wife is from Hashem," but the Zohar (Vayechi 229, 1) says that a man's behavior can cause him to lose it. For example, a man can lose a woman with sterling character traits on account of his stupidity in searching for a beautiful woman. He forgets: "Grace is deceptive, and beauty is vain" (Mishlei 31:30). She certainly needs to be pleasant in his eyes, but the essence is not to forget: Never judge a book by its cover…

Torat HaRav Aviner: A Match in Heaven

A Good Heart

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 11:10

15

פבר

2010

Question: I do not understand how Yitzchak agreed to marry a woman who he did not know, and he relied on Eliezer to act as his agent. What if it was not a good match? And I also do not understand how Rivka, without knowing Yitzchak, says: "I am going" (Bereshit 24:58). It seems like a recipe for disaster!?
Answer: It was not a recipe for disaster but a recipe of kindness. Eliezer did not choose just any woman he met but searched for a woman with a good heart, who agreed to take water from the well, a large quantity, without asking questions. It was a sign that she had a good heart. He then said to her: You have a good heart. In our house, everyone has a good heart and you fit in, come with me (Rashi). When one has a good heart, he can overcome all problems. He does not only love to receive, he loves to give. And they indeed loved one another (ibid. v. 67 and 26:8). The most important thing is a good heart. Therefore, if you

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

A New Woman

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 10:40

09

פבר

2010

I heard that it is written in the Torah that when one gets married his wife is defined as a "new woman" and the husband therefore does not go to the army during the first year in order to make her happy (Dev. 24:2) and in order that they can become accustomed to one another (Torah Temimah). I however did go to the army, the reserves and war. They did not exempt me. And even if they would have exempted me, I would have gone because how could my friends go to war while I sit at home?! But after many years of marriage I still feel like a have a "new woman", and I find out new things about her every day: her emotions, thoughts, desires, and even her imagination. It appears that every person is like that but they do not interest me, only she is important to me. It is interesting that that these things seem new, as they were always before my eyes. But it seems that I never paid attention. It seems that I looked at them but did not see, I heard but did not listen. I suddenly realize. Thank you, you are new to me each day.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

"And he will rule over you" (Ber. 3:16) - Part 2

"And he will rule over you" (Ber. 3:16) - Part 2

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 10:31

11

ינו

2010

Question: Why does the man rule? Is he more "equal"?
Answer: No, both members of the marriage are equal. The wife being "ruled" over by her husband is a curse, which appears after listening to the snake. Since then the world has been "manly". It is an unhealthy world and has lead to much distress. Not only do women suffer, but the men do as well. The remedy is reunification. Return to "The bone of my bones" and "the flesh of my flesh" (Bereshit 2:23). This remedy is found among the Nation of Israel: Avraham and Sarah, Yitzchak and Rivka, Yaakov and Rachel and Yaakov and Leah. We must not be enticed by the corrupt snake which crawls on the ground, but we must repair with love and brotherhood, peace and friendship.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

"And he will rule over you" (Ber. 3:16) - Part 1

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 21:49

04

ינו

2010

Question: Why isn't there equality in a family according to the Torah? Why should my husband rule over me?
Answer: This is a curse, not the ideal situation. This curse appears after Adam and Chavah sinned, on the advice of the snake, which is the evil inclination. Before this point, the Torah does not say that Adam ruled over his wife, rather he called her: "The bone of my bones" and "the flesh of my flesh" (Bereshit 2:23). This means that a couple is one soul with two bodies. There is therefore nothing inherent about ruling or being ruled over. But the sin mixed up this state. Adam and Chavah followed after the evil inclination and as a result their inner unity was destroyed. The man, the stronger of the two, is thus able to rule over his wife. But this is certainly not Hashem’s intention or will. This is a curse, but there is no curse which is beyond remedy. This is the challenge.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

Violence Begins in Thought

פורסם על ידי Mordechai Friedfertig ב- 23:58

21

דצמ

2009

Physical abuse of husbands against their wives begins in thought: “Men are smarter and more capable than women, and women must do as we say and answer to our every demand.” Men also judge women by their outer appearances when choosing a spouse.
It continues with "light" verbal abuse: Degrading comments and jokes about women in their presence, or even among men alone.
Then there is more severe verbal abuse: A husband commanding his wife like an army officer, and a husband raising his voice to his wife who did not carry out his order.
The door is then open to physical violence to clearly demonstrate that the husband is the decision-maker.
The remedy: Repent, relate humbly to your wife, as a friend. A deep, inner remedy.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

A Non-Angel Married to a Non-Angel

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig at 10:59 PM

My dear friend, you are good and your wife is good. Or, if you prefer, you are not completely good and neither is your wife. You both therefore forgive each other. You are not perfect and neither is she, you are therefore a perfect match from heaven. When you demand that she be perfect and focus on her deficiencies, and also demand that she understand that you are not perfect – you are mistaken. Finding deficiencies in another is simple. It does not require intelligence, talent, love, or effort. But this was not the reason you married. If you forgive her with all of your heart for her mistakes and ask her to do the same for you – you have understood marriage and you will be happy. If you expected to marry an angel, you were mistaken, such a thing does not exist. If it did exist, she would not have married you, since you are not an angel. A perfect match from heaven: a non-angel married to a non-angel.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

Happiness in Marriage

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig at 9:57 AM

16

Nov

2009

Question: I am not happy in my marriage. Every time I ask my husband to do something it causes endless arguments. What should I say to him?
Answer: Happiness is not something we receive but something we give. If you give, you will be happy. And the greatest kindness you can give is not with your mouth but with your ears. In order to make him happy, you have to listen to him. Obviously, you should not listen with impatience but with affection and understanding. And when you listen to him, speak to him about things which interest him.
It is true that he is sometimes quiet, but his silence also says something, and you must translate his silence into words. It is for this reason that Hashem gave women nine kavim of speech, so you can pleasantly express his words. In fact, you should think ten times before you say something unpleasant.
And regarding your unfulfilled requests for help, we hope that when you create a pleasant atmosphere, he will soften and come towards you. We hope. If not, we will consider it again.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

Speaking Nicely

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig at 9:30 PM

Most of the arguments between husband and wife flow from not speaking nicely to one another. Communication is the essential glue between them. One should therefore taken great care in speaking to your spouse – without insults or sharp remarks. Speaking nicely can rectify many issues.
There are treatments for marital counseling in which the therapist does not speak with the couple, but has them sit facing one another and ensures that they speak nicely to one another. The couple then learns to speak nicely and this helps solve the issues.
This reminds us of the practice in the yeshiva of the Ramchal, Rav Moshe Chaim Luzzato: If one of the students mistakenly began to speak Lashon Ha-Ra, then another student, who was appointed to do so, would respectfully point it out to him, and he was obligated to stop even in mid-sentence.
If a couple acts properly, there is no need for a therapist or an appointed person. Each one should take care to speak nicely, and if one of them mistakenly does not, the other spouse can lovingly point it out.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

The Cost of Marriage

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig

20

Oct

2009

"Abba, how much did it cost you to get married?"
"I don't know, but I am still paying!"
Marriage is a truly constant effort from both members of the couple.
In advertisements, a precious item is sold for a small amount and only in the fine print does it mention the hefty monthly payments.
The wedding itself is inexpensive: You are betrothed to me with this ring – and the ring only need to be worth a perutah (a minimal amount). The Ketubah, however, stipulates many obligations, both daily emotion and financial ones.
One has to exert effort day in and day out! Exertion of emotion, exertion of time, exertion of effort. This is especially true for men who sometimes have the tendency to feel like a tourist at home and do not take responsibility. Someone who thinks that marriage is only romance will be sorely disappointed.
There is great effort involved, but it is so pleasant.

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

Before You Go to Sleep

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig at 10:12 PM

15

Sep

2009

What do you do before you go to sleep? Romance, gentle words, sweet words, loving words?
Perhaps you will say: We are grown up already, it is not right for us. We are embarrassed. Incorrect! It is definitely correct.
Perhaps you will say: We are tired, we work hard, we fall off our feet, we don't have time. Incorrect! You have time. Do you also not have time to live? This is life.
Perhaps you will say: We had a fight today, like all days. We are experts in creating disputes, so we don't have the heart to be loving to one another. Incorrect! On the contrary, before you go to sleep, make up.
Perhaps you will say: It is already too late… Than it is even better, even more romantic. This is how you will have pleasant dreams, since reality is even sweeter than dreams.

Originally posted byTorat HaRav Aviner

Intimacy

Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig at 6:00 AM

02

Sep

2009

Dear couple, as you know, Adam and Chava were alone in the Garden of Eden, therefore please learn from them and make sure that every day or, at least, every few days take time to be just the two of you. In this way, you will have the Garden of Eden. You can simply talk, not for any purpose but because it is nice to be together. Even if you are older and have 10 children, 100 grandchildren and 1000 great-grandchildren – nonetheless! At least, on Shabbat. Please don't accept invitations every Shabbat and do not invite guests every Shabbat. At least talk before going to bed. What a wonderful delight!
Do you remember the Third Decree? It appears that you do not. At the beginning of the Kibbutz movement, there was incredible self-sacrifice. There were not enough places to sleep. There was some room in the chicken coop and barn. But this also was not enough, so they divided each tent in half with the help of a cloth. But this also was not enough, so each couple took in a single man or woman. What self-sacrifice! What damage to a couple's intimacy. "You expel the women of My Nation from their pleasant houses" (Michah 2:9) - "This is one who sleeps in a room where a couple dwells" (Eruvin 63b). I assume that you do not have a guest in your bedroom, so take advantage of the opportunity and exchange a few loving words before going to sleep

Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner

FAMILY MATTERS - TRUE LOVE

Family Matters

taken from: Torat HaRav Aviner (http://www.ravaviner.com/)
Posted by Mordechai Friedfertig

True Love
[From the parashah sheet "Rosh Yehudi"]


My friend told me a children's story about an 80 year old man who came to a doctor's office for a treatment. He requested that they perform the treatment as quickly as possible because he is in a hurry.

During the treatment the nurse asked: "Where are you hurrying off to? Do you have an important doctor's appointment?"


"No, I am eating with my wife in the hospital?"


"What is wrong with her?"


"She has had Alzheimer's for a few years already."


"And if you are a little late, will she worry?"


"No, she does not understand what is happening to her. For the last five years she does not recognize anyone, not even me."


"And you visit her every morning even though she does not know who you are?" – the nurse said surprisingly.


"She does not know who I am," the man said smiling, "But I know who she is and who she was."