LISTEN TO THE GODS LAUGHTER

There's one scene in the film "The Fall of the Roman Empire", when emperor Commodus (Christopher Plummer) is dying at the hands of Livius (Stephen Boyd), that I will never forget.

Commodus is exhaling in the arms of his killer and whispers to Livius: "...if you listen very carefully you'll hear the gods laughing".

This sentence still echoes in my mind when something happens:a crisis, a painful episode or an unexpected developement coming to an end. When everything calms down, when peace and silence claim their rights over recently stroken lives, then, I use to rise my eyes up at the sky and, with no surprise, I visiualise a mocking Commodus saying:

-"...if you listen very carefully you'll hear the gods laughing".

We, humans, allways want to find a reason for everything that happens, specially if it is bad. We have the need to lay down the blame on something or someone: we blame nature,God, government or each other. Everything or everyone within our reach is good to put the blame on, with one exception...ourselves.

Indeed, if we listen very carefully we'll hear the gods laughing !!!

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU. KID

Already three years has passed since we stopped talking to each other. And maybe seven years elapsed from the day our relation ended.

So, in Heaven's name, after all this years, I keep her in my thoughts ?

Memories, yes, unforgettable memories, suddenly re-emerge from the most secluded places of my soul.

And it was a very simple thing that brought foward all this situation. It was my intention of starting this blog, "Rick's Café American", that triggered all the process. You know, in the common passions of ours, "Casablanca" was ranked as number one. Often she used to say that my behaviour matched to Rick's cynical manners. Yes I use cynism, like Rick did, as a shield against emotions, as for me, no one is entitled with the right to accede my deepest feelings, she was THE exception.

Those were days of wildness, crazy dreams and shared secrets that came to an end, suddenly, by my fault. I think that, perhaps, we fell in love to soon; the ghosts that haunted my past were still there, hers too, I suspect, unexorcized.

Although our relation ended, in a very sour way to her, with grief and sorrow, ( she couldn't ever understand why I packed my things and went away, letting her alone - and God knows I still loved her), we kept seeing each other. Then came the blackest day of our lives, when a very poor decision of mine, standing for a point of view she abominates, made her take the decision to cease all contact between us. I was then too proud (stupid) to recognize that I've made one big mistake, showing myself in a situation and with persons that had nothing to do with me. Yes, you pay dearly when you choose to follow the path of hate.

So dearly that her decision hurted like hell. Like a sharp blade cutting away, deep, in me. Now, to my despair,the wound is, once again, bleeding, and still hurts painfully.

Sometimes I pray that she hates me, I like it better instead of ignoring my existence - hate and love live so close to each other, that they are only parted by something less than a sheet of paper.

Although, knowing that any logical thought says that there's no use in crying over spelt milk, and that one must let bygones be bygones, I still miss her.

Today I'm feeling like someone who returned to life after a long lasting coma. Okay, I'm happy about it, but I can't help feeling blue just because she isn't around.

Oh well, maybe someday, " of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine " (blog), so I´m leaving a message:

Although parted from each other, I still have you, because I still remember those days. I hope you did the same, keeping in your heart our memories.

For the sake of those good times.

Here's looking at you, kid.