Punishing a child who refuses to help
Q: Is it permissible not give a child candy, when everyone else is getting, because he refuses to help in the house?
A: In general, one does not need to use punishment in educating a child, since we want him to help willingly and not because of pressure. We want him to understand that not only is there an obligation to help, but it is meritorious and pleasant to help. It is not possible to achieve this goal by force. In rare instances, one needs to use force if a child is doing something dangerous and we need to punish him, but in general this is not the way. If we force him to help, he will look for every possible way to get out of helping and/or he will have a bitter taste of helping when he grows up. You should therefore talk to him – not during the time you are asking him to help but at an opportune time – and say: There are many chores to do in house, and we work hard for everyone. Everyone in the family needs to do one chore. Give him a list and everyone can choose what they would like to do. And when they do it, give them a prize. Otherwise, helping will be seen as a punishment. More than him helping in this particular instance, we want to affect his character, and this is impossible by force. Ha-Rav Yisachar Shlomo Teichtal related a beautiful idea in his book "Eim Ha-Banim Semeichah" (pp. 78-79): "I heard something beautiful on this idea in the name of our Rabbi, the brilliant and holy man of G-d, R' Bunim of Peshischa on the verse (Shir Ha-Shirim 1:4): 'Draw me, we will run after You.' He explains that there are two ways to acquire an animal by 'Meshichah' (pulling): 1. The buyer calls the animal and it follows after him. 2. He hits the animal with a stick and it runs in front of him. In each of these methods, he acquires the animal through 'Meshichah.' The only difference is that in the first way of 'Meshichah' when he calls to the animals, the owner walks ahead and the animal follows after him, while in the second way of 'Meshichah' when he hits the animal, the animal walks in front and the owner is behind. Which method of 'Meshichah' is preferred by the animal? The 'Meshichah' by calling is certainly preferable since he does not experience any pain. The 'Meshichah' by hitting hurts him and he suffers from the blow." We therefore see that the way of encouraging the child to help is by calling out to him in love.
A: In general, one does not need to use punishment in educating a child, since we want him to help willingly and not because of pressure. We want him to understand that not only is there an obligation to help, but it is meritorious and pleasant to help. It is not possible to achieve this goal by force. In rare instances, one needs to use force if a child is doing something dangerous and we need to punish him, but in general this is not the way. If we force him to help, he will look for every possible way to get out of helping and/or he will have a bitter taste of helping when he grows up. You should therefore talk to him – not during the time you are asking him to help but at an opportune time – and say: There are many chores to do in house, and we work hard for everyone. Everyone in the family needs to do one chore. Give him a list and everyone can choose what they would like to do. And when they do it, give them a prize. Otherwise, helping will be seen as a punishment. More than him helping in this particular instance, we want to affect his character, and this is impossible by force. Ha-Rav Yisachar Shlomo Teichtal related a beautiful idea in his book "Eim Ha-Banim Semeichah" (pp. 78-79): "I heard something beautiful on this idea in the name of our Rabbi, the brilliant and holy man of G-d, R' Bunim of Peshischa on the verse (Shir Ha-Shirim 1:4): 'Draw me, we will run after You.' He explains that there are two ways to acquire an animal by 'Meshichah' (pulling): 1. The buyer calls the animal and it follows after him. 2. He hits the animal with a stick and it runs in front of him. In each of these methods, he acquires the animal through 'Meshichah.' The only difference is that in the first way of 'Meshichah' when he calls to the animals, the owner walks ahead and the animal follows after him, while in the second way of 'Meshichah' when he hits the animal, the animal walks in front and the owner is behind. Which method of 'Meshichah' is preferred by the animal? The 'Meshichah' by calling is certainly preferable since he does not experience any pain. The 'Meshichah' by hitting hurts him and he suffers from the blow." We therefore see that the way of encouraging the child to help is by calling out to him in love.
Originally posted by Torat HaRav Aviner
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